Early in 2017, deep into a relentlessly negative election campaign which attempted to paint the Labor Government as soft on crime, the then opposition leader Matthew Guy was hungry. Struggling to get traction with his racist "African Gangs" fear campaign and dogged by a reputation for eyebrow-raising decisions as planning Minister, Guy was meeting with colourful underworld identity (cough, alleged mafia figure, cough) Tony Maddaferi.
What they discussed, I cannot tell you. But what I can tell you is that lobster was on the menu. Specifically, me, Pinchy the lobster.
Over several bottles of Grange, the Liberal contender and the mobster feasted on my delicious flesh. And since that day, my spirit unable to rest, my ghost has followed Mr Guy wherever he goes.
When Mr Guy's meeting with the mobster hit the papers, I was there on Spring Street, talking to the press. Whenever he tried to host campaign stunts, I was there, my spectre casting long shadows over his mobile billboards. When the Liberals finally "launched" their doomed election campaign, I was there, joined by dozens of my crustacean cousins dancing gaily in the sunshine to our favourite tunes.
I just want Mr Guy to look me in the eye and apologise for picking me from the tank in the Lobster Cave that night. But whenever and wherever I show myself, Matthew Guy simply disappears. Literally. I once saw him clock me and speed away in his luxury car even though his supporters were waiting for him to give a speech.
Is it shellfish of me to hog the limelight? Possibly. But what can I say, I'm feeling crabby! The Liberals' official election review even pinned their crushing defeat on me! I've got a hard shell, but I'm soft on the inside. Soft, succulent, and dripping with butter.
It's been a while since I hit the campaign trail, but now that Matthew Guy has been resurrected, so have I. We have unfinished business.
Pinchy may be staying home to stop Covid spread right now, but you can help fund Pinchy’s adventures around Victoria post-lockdown here.
I have unfinished business with Matthew Guy. By Pinchy the Lobster.